urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp charrxp charrxp 2009-10-19T19:04:14Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:26854 2009-10-19T19:04:14Z 2009-10-19T19:04:14Z So my ex just phoned me. <br />He's so bad for me. <br />He exacerbated my depression and my ED, as well as triggering my SI. <br />My scars always remind me of him which makes me even more ashamed of them. <br />He makes me want to hack myself apart until there's no blood left to bleed. <br />Starve myself until I'm bones and nothing more. <br />So he called to 'apologise' but really he tried to shuffle all the blame onto me. <br />I will admit I'm not faultless in this situation, but it's NOT ALL MY FAULT. I can't deal with this right now, I just can't. <br />I want to burst into tears. <br />This is going to drag me into a downward spiral again and I've just started to claw myself out. <br />I can't do this right now. I just can't. <br />I need a release. Someone tell me it'll be okay, please. Just someone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:26428 2009-09-27T09:41:06Z 2009-09-27T09:41:06Z I'm slipping back into this and I don't know how to stop it. <br />I have am emergency appointment with the mental health clinic on Monday. :/ <br />I've been having crazy thoughts lately, one minute I'm up, planning what I'm going to do with my disability back pay, next minute I'm contemplating taking all my meds at once. <br />I could easily end it.<br />But i couldn't do that to my family and friends. I don't know.. <br />I need somebody to save me. <br />But ultimately the only person who can save me is myself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:26361 2009-09-25T16:50:17Z 2009-09-25T16:50:17Z <ljcut> testing </ljcut> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:26004 2009-05-05T21:24:04Z 2009-05-05T21:24:04Z Just now, i've self harmed for the first time in several months. Since about mid-january i think. I fail. My parents already know about my self-harming and i can't let them know.. I can't watch as i destroy them. They've been sososo amazing but i feel like i just can't get anymore better. I WANT to be so much better, i want to be everything that i can be, but maybe i've doomed myself. My this is to be my life. Stuck in and out of treatment, being weighed, tested and prodded like a lab rat. Weight up. Weight down. Pills. Pat on the head. 'You're doing so well Charlene! We're so proud!' it kills me when they say that. Cuz i don't know whether i'm getting better or it's just the medication. I'm so scared.. I don't want to fall back down into darkness, i want to soar. Free as a bird. But i can't do it with everything holding me back. Some days i feel like yay recovery! I'm SO much better now! But most days it's like fuck this. I can't do this i fail fail fail fail fail. -sigh- i hate being a fuck up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:19786 2009-03-20T18:03:36Z 2009-03-20T18:03:36Z Isloxuyup urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:2109 2009-03-03T18:05:54Z 2009-03-03T18:05:54Z Ssssiiiiiccckk urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:charrxp:902 2009-03-03T11:45:45Z 2009-03-03T11:45:45Z Omnomnomnom!