So my ex just phoned me.
He's so bad for me.
He exacerbated my depression and my ED, as well as triggering my SI.
My scars always remind me of him which makes me even more ashamed of them.
He makes me want to hack myself apart until there's no blood left to bleed.
Starve myself until I'm bones and nothing more.
So he called to 'apologise' but really he tried to shuffle all the blame onto me.
I will admit I'm not faultless in this situation, but it's NOT ALL MY FAULT. I can't deal with this right now, I just can't.
I want to burst into tears.
This is going to drag me into a downward spiral again and I've just started to claw myself out.
I can't do this right now. I just can't.
I need a release. Someone tell me it'll be okay, please. Just someone.

I'm slipping back into this and I don't know how to stop it.
I have am emergency appointment with the mental health clinic on Monday. :/
I've been having crazy thoughts lately, one minute I'm up, planning what I'm going to do with my disability back pay, next minute I'm contemplating taking all my meds at once.
I could easily end it.
But i couldn't do that to my family and friends. I don't know..
I need somebody to save me.
But ultimately the only person who can save me is myself.

Just now, i've self harmed for the first time in several months. Since about mid-january i think. I fail. My parents already know about my self-harming and i can't let them know.. I can't watch as i destroy them. They've been sososo amazing but i feel like i just can't get anymore better. I WANT to be so much better, i want to be everything that i can be, but maybe i've doomed myself. My this is to be my life. Stuck in and out of treatment, being weighed, tested and prodded like a lab rat. Weight up. Weight down. Pills. Pat on the head. 'You're doing so well Charlene! We're so proud!' it kills me when they say that. Cuz i don't know whether i'm getting better or it's just the medication. I'm so scared.. I don't want to fall back down into darkness, i want to soar. Free as a bird. But i can't do it with everything holding me back. Some days i feel like yay recovery! I'm SO much better now! But most days it's like fuck this. I can't do this i fail fail fail fail fail. -sigh- i hate being a fuck up.

Isloxuyup

Ssssiiiiiccckk

Omnomnomnom!